Love and loathing

She is intelligent beyond comprehension
While being an unmatched beauty
Both physically and spiritually
She is the only person in this world I can count on
Every moment of everyday to hold me up
When my fears block my way
And I can't see straight
Because self loathing clouds my path
He is the voice in this fog
Telling me who I will never be
This voice tells me to try to fit in a box that was never meant for me
Organization, rational calculated thought, selfish actions of greed, meticulous planning
Maybe if I cut away my imperfections
He will finally want me
But who wants an emotionally disturbed little girl
Who wears her heart on her face
Who has time for such trivial things
I tip toe across your space
Trying not to disturb you
With my loud laugh and inquisitive nature
I ask you for forgiveness before I even begin
But I will never be good enough for you
These two people created me
Thus the two forces in my psyche
Self love
Self hate
Born into this war
A never ending debate most days I am her
Everything I strive to be
But late at night
In my loneliness I am him
I try to sir-press his voice
His memory
His smell
But sometime I wonder if his imprint will ever fade
Or will I fight this war of the mind
Till the end of my days
I will fight to be the person I was meant to be
And not the person I was brought up to be

Pointless cup of coffee

I go to all our old spots
Still
Hoping to get a glimpse of you
Like I use to
But it as if you vanished
Erased every memory of the life we use to have
How long will I wait?
For someone who doesn't want to reappear

Welcome home

I went to California and saw what life could be
What I could have
The life meant for me
And when I came back everything
Was grey
Stale
Cold
Like the gaze of an enemy
I can't seem to turn the light on
The fog devours me
I pray for peace
But I get silent tears
And all my fears are in the for front of my mind
So much I can't recline
Relax
It will all be okay
Ancestors please guide me to that day
Before this space
Eats me alive
Goddess help me I can not stay